Vagina Gilled

WARNING: It has come to the attention of the American Vageen Society that renegade vaginas have begun to sprout gills in an attempt to disassociate themselves with their human female hosts. It's a slow process that can be stopped if proper action is taken. The first sign of this is unwillingness to perform the act of procreation whether or not for the result of procreation, then there will be moistening of the areas around the inner thigh, tiny slits will begin to appear and have the same characteristics of an open sore, eventually it will let out a fierce howl and pry itself from it's human female host using its tentacles before ordering a ticket for the next flight to Santa Monica Beach to join countless other renegade vaginas in becoming creatures of the sea. This can be prevented if and only if the proper steps are taken. First: you must keep it clean, scrub it, rinse it, do what you have to do to keep them smelling and feeling squeeky clean. Second: keep it trimmed, if it looks like your holding a tarantula hostage when you put on a bathing suit or sexy underwear then your vagina will begin to question the nature of your relationship. Third: pay attention to it, pet it, feed it, and let it out for air once in a while, if you never play with it then it will begin to feel neglected and unwanted and if you know anyone that may be neglecting their vagina then call the AVS right away so that they can find a proper home for it. Forth: USE CONTRACEPTIVES! This is the most important step of all, no vagina wants to squirt out a writhing pile of ungrateful flesh. Please for the sake of humanity, for the sake of the ocean, for the sake of pussy, take good care of your vagina, don't let this beautiful creature die out.

Global Crusting

A while back my friend Crusty Nuts and I were having a deep conversation about the state of the world that opened our eyes to the horrors that await, this is my attempted summary of that conversation. Global warming will have devastating effects on our planet if we don't do something about it, polar bears will become vicious hermaphrodites, vaginas will turn into sandpaper and everything will just fuckin' suck! As global warming occurs human beings will undergo drastic evolution in order to adapt, the summers are going to be insanely hot and the winters piercing cold. We will grow hair all over our bodies like monkeys (or Robin Williams) to keep us warm during the winter, the need for clothes may or may not still exist in this tumultuous time due to the fact that we are hairy as fuck now. Also we will have had to pack on as many pounds as humanly possible and still be able to move around actively.Then during the summer we will have completely shed our fur forcing us to use SPF 5,000,000,000 to protect us from our now deadly sun. Fall is when we grow our fur back, and spring is when we begin to shed. Spring is also the only time human beings will mate because during the summer it's so hot that women's vaginas are like sandpaper and during the winter, well, are you down to bone a hairy fat chick? But toward the end of spring the weather is perfect for human mating season, women shed their fur, there vaginas will be nice and moist and it's been like a year since the last time they bumped uglies with anyone so they are so down. One things for sure though,this will decrease the human population and pave the way for our planets recovery.

Spiders

Would you rather be covered from head to toe with hundreds of venomous hungry spiders? Or get caught in the web of one gigantic spider?... Yeah he's hungry too.

Just think about it for a minute, either way your getting eaten and it's going to suck but which way would you rather go and why?

It seems like if you get covered with hundreds of spiders you might be able to roll around on the floor or something to try and squish them but they are still going to bite the shit out of you, but if you go with the gigantic spider your just stuck and you might be able to break free if you struggle hard enough but if not you just get eaten. Ugh... Either way it's going to fuckin' suck.

Conservative Army

"Come to me if you are worthy," so says the superior American, "climb my mountain and sit in my tower, but only if you have what I want. Riches and power could all be yours as long your one of the elite, but I will deem you one of us, not them nor you, but me and me alone for I am the superior American. So hike my mountain and climb my tower but you may not enter with your soul, so please leave it at the door. Once your soul is gone your humanity should deplete until you are completely devoid of common sense and compassion, that's when your journey shall begin. To become a soulless shell of what was once a human being, to strive toward the things that put the commoners in there place and keep them there, remember to always keep them away from the tower, they are not to know what lies inside. God forbid they gain this kind of power, I dread the day when those beneath us can be considered equals... I shudder to think that there are actually people who consider themselves 'real' Americans when in fact they are nothing but drones, treat them like dogs, don't give them an inch and make sure they know their place; maybe then you too can join amongst our ranks and become a superior American."

The Eye of the Beast

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Crispy Pete

During a BBQ everyone was sitting around drinking beer and having a good time when along came a chicken... She wandered up sat down right in the middle of everything, she seemed comfortable there and thus Pete became one of us. Of course Pete stuck around for a while doing chicken stuff and being all chicken like but then one day she dissapeared... where she went we may never go, but it has been said that she's been seen chickening around the yard early in the morning during that part of the day that doesn't really exist. Then one day I was awoken by a knock at the door, who could this be so early in the morning i wondered, when I answered the door it was some dude with a box who said he knew I had a chicken. He then handed me the box, got in his truck and drove off into the morning never to be seen again... well by me at least. So I took the box inside, put it on the table and opened it and what was in there but a big pissed off chicken! This thing was not Pete, it was just a strange angry chicken so I put her on the porch and she made it her home. Now this chicken has been around since and has been endowed with the name Crispy, but I began to notice something odd about Crispy... something very odd indeed. This was a very lonely and confused chicken, this chicken felt different on the inside, the way this chicken felt on the inside didn't match the way she felt on the outside, Crispy made a life changing decision for herself, Crispy wanted to become a rooster. She began taking hormones to grow those big green tail feathers and that nasty dangly thing on her face, at this point there was but one step left, Crispy must go under the knife. She ran off to Guatemala for over a month without a word and we were all worried sick about her thinking that maybe a stray dog or cat had gotten to her, or that maybe she wandered too close to that burrito stand down the street until one morning, just before the sun arose there was loud shrill and powerful crow! It echoed from the porch where Crispy once would lay her head to rest, it seemed to have the power and confidence of none other than God's poultry!... and it was emanating from a familiar looking silhouette, but that's impossible! I don't know any roosters- but wait! Could it be? There was Crispy! A once troubled chicken now a proud transgender rooster, finally comfortable with the body he was living in he could once again survey the yard of this humble abode as he is now a warrior, a strong, proud and fearless transgendered rooster warrior.

Penis!

We're sorry but the penis you are trying to reach has been disconnected and is no longer in service...

Human Centipede? Or Teeth?

Whats up out there? So I have a question for you... Would you rather be the middle piece to the human centipede? Or the chick from Teeth's boyfriend? Think long and hard about it. If you were the middle piece to the human centipede then you already got the wrong end of the deal on that side, you are not only eating shit and sucking farts but crapping in someones mouth. Now imagine if as you were getting your mouth crapped in the person behind you puked. Nasty... The person in the front really has the best deal out of them all since that person doesn't have to eat shit, if anything he just endure some pukage on his cheese hole. The person at the end is eating diluted shit since it's already been diluted by someone elses digestive system. If the middle piece tried to escape she would have to not only rip her face from the front pieces ass but rip her ass from the end pieces face, so it's unpleasant all around. Not only is she missing a piece of her face but she's missing a piece of her ass too. Being the middle piece seems like it should only end in suicide...
Now imagine being the chick from Teeth's boyfriend, ugh... She could rip your manhood off at any moment while bumpin' uglies. You would have to make sure you NEVER piss her off and for any man that's ever had a girlfriend you know that's completely impossible. Women don't think logically and will get mad for no reason, it must be no reason becuse they never tell you why they're mad. It's as if your supposed to know, and sometimes they hide and get even more pissed off when you don't know that they are mad. So no matter what somewhere down the line you going to lose your meat stick while doing the horizontal tango with your lady. And sorry guys no rear entry, she aint like that... Also her mouth has teeth in it too so yeah...
Anyway go ahead and leave some responses telling me what you would pick and why, also by chosing niether you automatically chose both... MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

NEW TO BLOGGING!... What have I got to lose?

Hello bloggers I'm Jewclops and I'm new to blogging. I just thought I'd give it a shot because... Well why not? Still not entirely sure what I should blog about  but I'm sure it will all come to me as get  it going. As for now I'm just thinking up ideas and will probably just throw some stuff out there until I hit on something I like. For now I'm just going to spew shit onto my computer screen. I love music so I'm probably going to be talking about music a lot, I also love to play video games so that shits going to be up on here I'm sure and also I might let you guys know when I post videos on youtube, maybe give a summary as to what the video was about or what went into it. it seems like there are sooooo many fuckin' ideas to go with so I'm just going to throw them all out at you guys and hope you stay interested enough to read it, if not then fuck it, what have I got to lose?
If anyone wants check out my youtube channel just go to www.youtube.com/jewclops  and subscribe.
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