Vagina Gilled

WARNING: It has come to the attention of the American Vageen Society that renegade vaginas have begun to sprout gills in an attempt to disassociate themselves with their human female hosts. It's a slow process that can be stopped if proper action is taken. The first sign of this is unwillingness to perform the act of procreation whether or not for the result of procreation, then there will be moistening of the areas around the inner thigh, tiny slits will begin to appear and have the same characteristics of an open sore, eventually it will let out a fierce howl and pry itself from it's human female host using its tentacles before ordering a ticket for the next flight to Santa Monica Beach to join countless other renegade vaginas in becoming creatures of the sea. This can be prevented if and only if the proper steps are taken. First: you must keep it clean, scrub it, rinse it, do what you have to do to keep them smelling and feeling squeeky clean. Second: keep it trimmed, if it looks like your holding a tarantula hostage when you put on a bathing suit or sexy underwear then your vagina will begin to question the nature of your relationship. Third: pay attention to it, pet it, feed it, and let it out for air once in a while, if you never play with it then it will begin to feel neglected and unwanted and if you know anyone that may be neglecting their vagina then call the AVS right away so that they can find a proper home for it. Forth: USE CONTRACEPTIVES! This is the most important step of all, no vagina wants to squirt out a writhing pile of ungrateful flesh. Please for the sake of humanity, for the sake of the ocean, for the sake of pussy, take good care of your vagina, don't let this beautiful creature die out.

Global Crusting

A while back my friend Crusty Nuts and I were having a deep conversation about the state of the world that opened our eyes to the horrors that await, this is my attempted summary of that conversation. Global warming will have devastating effects on our planet if we don't do something about it, polar bears will become vicious hermaphrodites, vaginas will turn into sandpaper and everything will just fuckin' suck! As global warming occurs human beings will undergo drastic evolution in order to adapt, the summers are going to be insanely hot and the winters piercing cold. We will grow hair all over our bodies like monkeys (or Robin Williams) to keep us warm during the winter, the need for clothes may or may not still exist in this tumultuous time due to the fact that we are hairy as fuck now. Also we will have had to pack on as many pounds as humanly possible and still be able to move around actively.Then during the summer we will have completely shed our fur forcing us to use SPF 5,000,000,000 to protect us from our now deadly sun. Fall is when we grow our fur back, and spring is when we begin to shed. Spring is also the only time human beings will mate because during the summer it's so hot that women's vaginas are like sandpaper and during the winter, well, are you down to bone a hairy fat chick? But toward the end of spring the weather is perfect for human mating season, women shed their fur, there vaginas will be nice and moist and it's been like a year since the last time they bumped uglies with anyone so they are so down. One things for sure though,this will decrease the human population and pave the way for our planets recovery.