Nom of the ages.

I shall nom like no man has nommed before
I shall nom form the heavens
I shall nom for the hungry
I shall nom for peace
I shall nom for justice
And most importantly I shall nom for freedom...
For I nom not in vain!
NO! Not in vain!
But for the many who have never nommed like we have nommed
But for the many who WILL never nom like we have nommed
But for the masses in line at your local Chinese buffet
I nom not for the average man...
Nor for the abnormal man...
BUT FOR THAT WITH WHICH WE ARE BUILT UPON!!!

Epic Beer Pong

My winning streak was finally put to a halt by my opponent in the last round and now was my chance to redeem myself. The match had been going for quite some time now and was getting heated, we were down to our last cups. One on one the final showdown between us, this is what it all boils down to; who will come out on top? The only audience member silently clickedy clacking away on her phone, my opponent scoping and taking aim for her victory and my head swimming in anxiety over what was to happen next. Will I make it? Will I come out on top as the champion? Or will I lose and take the drink and be forced to have to live the rest of my life with that failure? It's time we simultaneously raise our ping pong balls, take aim and throw... As I watched my ball soar through the air it as if time had slowed down and my heart was beating against my chest like a caged gorilla. CLINK! The sound of her ball as it bounced off the rim off my cup, I watched as it went back up into the air and landed by my feet and looked up just in time to see...


VICTORY!!! The triumphant victory of the final round! A wave of relief followed by a crash of confident joy as I take my win for then I could lay my head to rest knowing that I was the victor. Pleased with the outcome of the match I drift away into an unconscious reality to dream of what awaits in my future.

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Vagina Gilled

WARNING: It has come to the attention of the American Vageen Society that renegade vaginas have begun to sprout gills in an attempt to disassociate themselves with their human female hosts. It's a slow process that can be stopped if proper action is taken. The first sign of this is unwillingness to perform the act of procreation whether or not for the result of procreation, then there will be moistening of the areas around the inner thigh, tiny slits will begin to appear and have the same characteristics of an open sore, eventually it will let out a fierce howl and pry itself from it's human female host using its tentacles before ordering a ticket for the next flight to Santa Monica Beach to join countless other renegade vaginas in becoming creatures of the sea. This can be prevented if and only if the proper steps are taken. First: you must keep it clean, scrub it, rinse it, do what you have to do to keep them smelling and feeling squeeky clean. Second: keep it trimmed, if it looks like your holding a tarantula hostage when you put on a bathing suit or sexy underwear then your vagina will begin to question the nature of your relationship. Third: pay attention to it, pet it, feed it, and let it out for air once in a while, if you never play with it then it will begin to feel neglected and unwanted and if you know anyone that may be neglecting their vagina then call the AVS right away so that they can find a proper home for it. Forth: USE CONTRACEPTIVES! This is the most important step of all, no vagina wants to squirt out a writhing pile of ungrateful flesh. Please for the sake of humanity, for the sake of the ocean, for the sake of pussy, take good care of your vagina, don't let this beautiful creature die out.

Global Crusting

A while back my friend Crusty Nuts and I were having a deep conversation about the state of the world that opened our eyes to the horrors that await, this is my attempted summary of that conversation. Global warming will have devastating effects on our planet if we don't do something about it, polar bears will become vicious hermaphrodites, vaginas will turn into sandpaper and everything will just fuckin' suck! As global warming occurs human beings will undergo drastic evolution in order to adapt, the summers are going to be insanely hot and the winters piercing cold. We will grow hair all over our bodies like monkeys (or Robin Williams) to keep us warm during the winter, the need for clothes may or may not still exist in this tumultuous time due to the fact that we are hairy as fuck now. Also we will have had to pack on as many pounds as humanly possible and still be able to move around actively.Then during the summer we will have completely shed our fur forcing us to use SPF 5,000,000,000 to protect us from our now deadly sun. Fall is when we grow our fur back, and spring is when we begin to shed. Spring is also the only time human beings will mate because during the summer it's so hot that women's vaginas are like sandpaper and during the winter, well, are you down to bone a hairy fat chick? But toward the end of spring the weather is perfect for human mating season, women shed their fur, there vaginas will be nice and moist and it's been like a year since the last time they bumped uglies with anyone so they are so down. One things for sure though,this will decrease the human population and pave the way for our planets recovery.

Spiders

Would you rather be covered from head to toe with hundreds of venomous hungry spiders? Or get caught in the web of one gigantic spider?... Yeah he's hungry too.

Just think about it for a minute, either way your getting eaten and it's going to suck but which way would you rather go and why?

It seems like if you get covered with hundreds of spiders you might be able to roll around on the floor or something to try and squish them but they are still going to bite the shit out of you, but if you go with the gigantic spider your just stuck and you might be able to break free if you struggle hard enough but if not you just get eaten. Ugh... Either way it's going to fuckin' suck.

Conservative Army

"Come to me if you are worthy," so says the superior American, "climb my mountain and sit in my tower, but only if you have what I want. Riches and power could all be yours as long your one of the elite, but I will deem you one of us, not them nor you, but me and me alone for I am the superior American. So hike my mountain and climb my tower but you may not enter with your soul, so please leave it at the door. Once your soul is gone your humanity should deplete until you are completely devoid of common sense and compassion, that's when your journey shall begin. To become a soulless shell of what was once a human being, to strive toward the things that put the commoners in there place and keep them there, remember to always keep them away from the tower, they are not to know what lies inside. God forbid they gain this kind of power, I dread the day when those beneath us can be considered equals... I shudder to think that there are actually people who consider themselves 'real' Americans when in fact they are nothing but drones, treat them like dogs, don't give them an inch and make sure they know their place; maybe then you too can join amongst our ranks and become a superior American."